Hazia’s Reflections

Time moves very fast. Finally, it’ll be here tomorrow, my 35th birthday.

Despite the most painful episode of my life in April, this has been a milestone year for me. Alhamdullilah. I got to perform my Haj. My first book will be published by next week. In December, I start a new job, my first official department head position. Yes, I have a lot to be grateful for.

Yesterday, My Best Friend (aka the Forbidden One) asked what I was doing on my birthday. I gave a simple one word answer - ‘Nothing!’ Well, my office October babies’ celebration falls tomorrow. My family is only celebrating next week. Perhaps my ex-roommate is treating me to high tea or something this weekend.

Initially, I thought of having a big celebration. An impromtu one is fine but if you have to go through so much hassle planning it, what’s the point. There’s no fun, just another event.

My Best Friend asked if the Kebaya Man was aware. No, I didn’t get to mention it to him at all. Come to think of it, I should give him a chance. Birthdays only come once a year. If he doesn’t do anything, that’s fine. But at least, he knows. Yeah, I know, the good ones are hard to get, but they’re worth it.

I’m still feeling crappy about that. To be fair, I don’t think he even knows how I feel. The only way to make him know is to tell him directly, and I still think it’s a bit too early for that. Timing is not good either, they have a big celebrity wedding in early Nov. They are hoping that it would raise the boutique’s image tremendously. He showed me the lacy white wedding dress when I was there, wasn’t even half way done yet.

After meeting him last Tuesday, I came back in a bad mood which led me to do an un-wise thing. I sms the psychiatrist. He didn’t reply until the next morning (yesterday). He said he had fallen asleep early. He was on leave yesterday and it was a lazy day.

His next sms jolted me. "Miss that voice… Wish you’re here with me now…" Funny thing was that when I called him during lunch time, he said he was attending a course in Damansara (said he mentioned it to me, but I didn’t remember). He still has a few more open houses to go to. He was going jogging later and then straight home. No, no meeting up.

That reminds me of someone i.e. Mr Monorail. They just want to meet you in their dreams but they dont want to meet up with you for real. Probably because he was much older and due to his profession, my expectation was higher. But obviously, men are no different at 49 as they are at 29. If the agency had not screened him, I’d say that he’s married. Well, he was married for 24 years, probably the tone was still there. My Best Friend had a good question - the agency is charging quite a lot, how credible is it? Hmm…

Hope tomorrow would be more positive.