Hazia’s Reflections

Following my previous entry, my instructor’s comment on my 4600-word ‘The Kebaya King’ was… there was at least 3 stories within a story. He asked me to decide on 1 of the following.

1) DBKL story - problems with the authority. He said it would be almost impossible for me to pull this one off. Even with research and legal advice, I’ve never operated a business in KL. Also, apparently, the Kebaya Man didn’t tell me the full detail of what happened.

2) The Kebaya King story - the world of kebaya & Adi and Raden - their business relationship as well as their (potential) personal/sexual relationship. Ava can come into the picture to form a love triangle.

3) Relationship story - It could be any business. The love triangle is between Adi, Ava and Mr Lee.

Hmm… I think I’d stick to no 2, this story is about The Kebaya King. Interestingly, the things I deleted (too long) were the ones he said were important eg. different types of Kebaya, Raden’s background & more details on how they meet, Jakarta, etc.

He also said I have problems with scenes - my scenes were not well developed. They jumped, there were several gaps which left people wondering, ‘What the..’ He asked me to submit 1 piece (only) focusing on scenes. Think I’ll go with Water Warriors, one of my boarding school series.

Anyway, enjoy the extract below, which would NOT make it to the final version:)

The Kebaya King - 2nd Cut

(Continue)

… She stood there and watched him gulped down his drink. A few seconds later, he flinched. His hand was holding on to his throat.

“I… I can’t breathe.”

“What’s that, darling?”

“I can’t breathe. Do… do something.”

“Do what, Darling?”

“Call… call an ambulance!”

“I don’t think there’s a need for that,” she was still smiling.

Shock laced his face. “You… you…” He passed out.

She laughed. She had arranged for his body to be taken care off later that night.

She walked out to the balcony and breathed in the fresh air, feeling the cool breeze touching her bare arms. Five years of loyalty to a white hair, wrinkled old man was way too long. At least, she got rid of the Mr Grey Hair before him in two years. She was glad that she saw the social escort advertisement at the shop lot near her rented room that day.

It had been eight years since she first came to this city of dreams. When her father disowned her for refusing to marry his good friend’s son, her priority had been securing a roof over her head. Now, she had that. She smiled as she thought about the future, the wonderful things that were happening in her life…

(more)